After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
A+ Viking dick
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
