If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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