I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
