not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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