What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
