Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They took my balls.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
