the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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