Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
