Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
