I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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