watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
