what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
