No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
