Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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