I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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