Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
