nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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