i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
