someone owes me an orgasm
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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