I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Text me some of your sweat
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
