I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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