Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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