I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
