my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
