he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
