My friends, they love my intelligence
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
