if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
