I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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