I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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