Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
