It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
