Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
