My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
