you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
