if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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