is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
