i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
