cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
