Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I smell like Dick and happiness
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
