Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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