theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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