He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
