She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
