If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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