so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
