Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
