I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
