I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
