I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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