Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
