He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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