I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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